It was slightly before 6 a.m. when I heard the all too familiar sound of my iPhone vibrating against the bedside table. With my head still nestled comfortably on my pillow, I reached for the phone, expecting to see an assortment of bargain alerts from Amazon Local. Instead, the text was from my ex-husband, the father of my three boys and the man who was once my everything — that is, until the day he decided that a woman with pink hair and glitter eye shadow was more desirable than his college sweetheart and wife of nearly 20 years. There it was in small but bold letters, “I am not paying you what I owe for Dec.” No explanation, no apologies, nothing.
I felt a familiar sense of anxiety creeping over me. As the tears threatened to spill, it hit me. Regardless of what the court documents said, I was still dependent on this man.
Like many divorces, mine was not a pleasant one. It was difficult enough to get past the infidelity, abandonment and that place of staring at the floor trying to figure out how in the hell you are going to put one foot in front of the other. All I wanted to do was crawl back in bed and hide under the security of my fluffy down comforter. Compounded with my remorse was my loss of purpose and the need to somehow regain the independence I once had.
Back in time and pre-kids, I was working on a pedigree that would have paved the road to Wall Street and, subsequently, to an Ivy League graduate school. I was Vice President of a Boston-based private equity fund, but underestimated the power that my eight-pound bundle of joy would bring. Without hesitation I opted out. That’s right...I quit. I gave up my six-figure salary, millions of dollars in future earnings and everything that I had worked toward for the past decade. Was I crazy? Maybe — but for me, given all the factors that were placed before me at that moment, it was the right choice. However, what I did not realize then, as a young mom and a madly in love wife, was that said choice eventually caused me to relinquish my independence, handing it over to a man whom I trusted. I assumed my husband would value and respect that choice.
Instead, 16 years later he fired me.
I quickly found myself stewing in, “What in the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life?” My 16-year role as CMO — Chief Mommy Officer — wasn’t going to attract many job offers. I suppose there was some correlation between negotiating multi-million dollar deals and refereeing fights over LEGOs, but it might be a stretch for a prospective boss to see the connection. Regardless of any spin factor, the facts didn’t lie: I was 41 and a stay-at-home mom raising three boys alone. All variables led to the same conclusion and it wasn’t pretty. I began to break my situation down into mathematical equations of “if, then” statements — you know, like those formulas from an Excel spreadsheet:
IF I find a job, THEN I can pay the legal fees of this freakin’ divorce.
IF I find a job, THEN I can pay off my debt.
IF I find a job, THEN I can enjoy a good bottle of wine again.
IF I find a job, THEN Jimmy Choo and I can date.
IF I find a man with money, THEN I will live happily ever after.
Wait...did I actually think that, let alone believe it?
That was the one and only moment that the pink-haired lady and I had something in common. And that was my wakeup call. It was the call to become fully independent again. I will sign the checks, I will pay the bills and I will buy my own shoes and wine.
It’s comforting at times to believe that someone else will take care of you. But it’s pure fantasy. It’s self-deception.
According to the National Center for Women and Retirement Research, 90 percent of all women will be solely responsible for their finances at some point in their lives. This shouldn’t come as a surprise as two-thirds of all of us between the ages of 40 and 70 have already dealt with a major financial life crisis: divorce, the death of a spouse, a job loss or a serious illness. Given this reality, what’s most troubling is that more than 80 percent of all women say they do not feel prepared to make wise financial decisions.
It simply doesn’t have to be this way! You must commit to be financially independent.
Being financially independent does not mean that you have achieved a specific account balance, a targeted net-worth figure or that you simply never have to worry about money again. Financial independence is attained through the commitment you make to be solely responsible for creating, building and defending your worth. It is about owning your life (quantitatively and qualitatively) and realizing that no one — not a friend, family member, boss and certainly not a man — can protect and grow your worth better then you!
Messages ring throughout society, which tell us we can’t survive on our own — that we need a man to be complete (and take care of us). This thinking is self-sabotaging. We must grab hold of the reins and take charge of our financial life!
Financial freedom doesn’t happen overnight but the commitment to become financially independent can! And if you believe, without a doubt, that you can handle whatever comes your way, you will become focused, resourceful and persistent and you will attain financial freedom even in the face of obstacles.
Most of us live in our story one too many days — that is until we get those 5:48 a.m. wake-up calls. Then it is time to get up, pull on the big girl panties and stand in front of the mirror to see that they only thing standing in the way of where you are and where you want to be is you.